Old Twitches of Sadness
My stomach has gone jittery after reading your post. A cross between hollowness and nerves, it hasn’t settled since. I’m sad about your loss, a loss barely recognised. Miscarriages aren’t talked about, I agree with you that they should be acknowledged more.
The worst period of grieving I’ve ever had was the result of a miscarriage. There. Said it. 27 years ago and it still stings like a bastard. The emotional pain lasted until I held my son in my arms 2 years later.
I lost my first pregnancy. My husband held me all night too, while I cried so much I made myself physically ill.
I’m glad your boyfriend held you all night. Sometimes you need that. Really need that. You don’t need to prove you were pregnant. It’s devastating enough when it’s just you that knows. You don’t need to prove or justify anything. Shit happens. Try to acknowledge it as a loss the same as losing someone you love.
Yes, I had ‘that’ feeling I was pregnant as soon as I conceived my daughter as well. So, Abby L, let yourself grieve, even if it was five boyfriends ago. The when, the how long, the weeks spent pregnant, none of that crap matters. What is important was that you lost a little life you created. Allow yourself room to be sad about the mammoth loss of a human being with the potential to radically change your life.
I hope you carry a baby or babies full term soon, when you want to. Heaps of women have miscarriages for all sorts of reasons that aren’t falling down the stairs like in a soapie. Even subsequent losses don’t mean you’ll never hold your own baby. I hope you do though, when you’re ready. Good luck with it.
You inspired me to write about miscarriage for the first time. Thank you enormously, because I probably needed to. I wrote enough for a ten minute post, I’ll put that up somewhere else on Medium. Just know that you made it happen Abby L.
