Love this short, raw and authentic self-writing Ericka, it resonates very much with me. I’m always doing. I love to write and I want to relax, but find it so hard to do. When I do calm or stop to meditate or be mindful, I usually go straight to sleep. Some Saturdays I get up at 6am and don’t sit down until 2. Then, when I sit down I fall asleep at the keyboard or in a chair. My body and mind are best doing, keeping busy, but I need to get off the wheel now and then. Thank you for this, you are so right, I need to stop and smell the roses a bit more.

I garden, but it’s more busy stuff. I rarely just look around it without pulling weeds or planting, trimming or watering. What’s the point? In the last couple of years I’ve taken up birdwatching pretty seriously. The birds don’t stick around when I’m active. I have to be still to photograph them. At first I was anxious because they flew away and I didn’t get a great pic. I have about 1400 pics of about 100 different birds which I really need to edit. I’ve finally started to just watch, and not worry whether I get a decent snap or not.

Last weekend I was dive bombed by one of the biggest eagles in the world for chasing it around the house all afternoon as it circled in the thermals above the mountains where I live. I ducked, it was massive, with a 2.3 m wingspan. It glared at me. It was a warning shot. It sounds ridiculous, but that eagle was trying to tell me to stop, look and appreciate, but quit stalking it. I was probably saying this to myself.

So, the photos aren’t important , but the exhilaration of a massive bird flying a couple of metres over my head was the most amazing feeling I’ve had in ages. I had tingles, my stomach flipped, my very long hair seemed to stand up by the roots and I gave an involuntary shiver. It was a wow moment where I felt truly alive. I need more of them. I need to feel good, not be trying to be the world’s best wildlife photographer with a camera that only cost about $300. I need to do like you said: relax and enjoy life, birdwatching, gardening, reading, writing. Life isn’t a competition and I need to stop feeling guilty for stop doing and start really living in ways that make me happy.

In March, I started blogging about the birds on my farm. Only 11 followers, nobody much reads it, nobody really wants to. From now on, I think I’ll write it just for me and tell the real bird stories I want to tell; and enjoy the doing regardless of what anyone else actually thinks.

This is a very long comment. I’m just thinking out loud in response to all the things you listed so succinctly. Thanks a million for helping me out Ericka, I want to see if I can find that narrow line between self-obsession and self-love. I want to do that because of your post.