I Feel Your Real
Oh Zach, I understand. Sensing your pain right now. That steering wheel memory must still sting with trauma.
I'm type 2 Bipolar. Used to be a lot of the things you mention, all those opposing facts you put up with daily, but my condition is mild most of the time.
I'm 54, so I've consciously lived with those horrendous big dipper highs and lows for five decades.
Bipolar will get better with age and adjustments.
Trust me, it does. Rely on it. You seem young in your profile photo, so take heart on getting acquainted with the anomalies. You will make it to a far more even place given a few years, a steadier time with more middle ground.
I talk way too much in the manic phase. I'm rude and obnoxious, talking over other people, talking without listening, hijacking other peoples’ conversations and inserting my own shit whether anyone wants to hear it or not.
Mostly not, though I don’t realise at the time because I’m rolling high.
Bipolar 2 has lost me so many friends, hundreds really, and jobs as well. My workplaces are peopled with those who can't stand to be near me. The way the condition renders me, I’m impervious to their obvious signs. I scare people too, being either overzealous or blasé and disinterested.
I’m only good with people in small doses, but initially, I can wow them.
Do my best to control the illness, but sometimes it is uncontrollable.
I finally found a great medication. A calmative that helped me sleep and kept moods even. It meant I could filter what was being said and stopped offending my significant others as well as all ordinary people I’d meet.
No poetry, sadly, I couldn't write at all, or could only write dull crap. Along with the elation of the highest highs and the depression of the blackest lows, it zapped my creativity. Stopped taking the meds after that.
I've Googled endless stuff about Bipolar. Enough to know my brand is big on suicides. My take-away from that is to steer clear of too much sugar, coffee, alcohol, drugs, adrenaline or bright disco lights and strobes that quickly put me back on the roller coaster.
Far better to look up the wealth of brilliant creatives that have had Bipolar over hundreds of years.
Boy, did they live, and how.
They took continual chunks out of the fruit of the globe along the way. Their stories will lift and inspire you even though many lived fast and died young.
Writers, artists, musicians, sculptors, actors, hosts, deejays, famous personalities, comedians, poets, playwrights, directors, entertainers, journalists, singers, dancers or, the most interesting people in the world.
One well known guy is Stephen Fry. Young and smart, he was about to start a major role in London’s West End when he fled the country without letting anyone know.
Just pffft!
He compared the show QI (Quite Interesting) for years. I saw episodes where he kept talking over and through the guests. Barry Humphries was on as Dame Edna when she/he barely got a word in once. Fry refuses to take medication for his illness, he embraces it.
If you’ve ever seen Rowan Atkinson's ‘Black Adder’ series, you might have seen Fry act. He’s very good, but the real talent is in accepting his Bipolar.
That is the biggest secret.
A psychologist gave me a sliding scale from plus 3 to minus 3. It suits my condition. Moods tend to stay between plus and minus 1.5. When the crap hits the air conditioner of my day, I pinpoint my position on the scale. My next step is to become more self-aware and do things that push me back towards the middle.
It isn’t easy. Elation is so heady, so addictive, so enlivening, brilliant, all encompassing and fun. The ecstasy that floods the brain is as hard to disconnect from as a super magnet.
Last weekend my husband bought a new TV. The chosen one is a 65 inch flat screen, built in March this year, with everything.
My mood flew to plus 3, I couldn’t sit still or stop yammering with excitement. I was pumped and ready ‘The Incredibles’ Disney marathon featuring both movies back to back.
I’d plumped up twenty pillows pillows to recline on, thought about popcorn and chocolate topped ice-creams long before the set came out of the box. Buzzing about and interrupting as he read instruction booklets in their entirety. Prior to installation I’d been told to settle down, shut up and go away to do something else for a bit. Advise that slid off me and my happy hat until it didn’t and I became morose, like a crazy two year old who doesn’t have immediate gratification.
By the time we hit play I had the shits and couldn’t care less about the TV. Thought about kicking in the screen for a moment on a minus 3 downer.
In what must seem unbelievable to anyone without Bipolar, I complained that the screen was so big it showed everyone’s wrinkles, rendering beautiful people ugly.
Honestly.
Monday: still had the poops, went to work, felt better but came home down.
Tuesday: no work, my daughter suggested a Disney flick on the new tech.
She made popcorn from scratch and we watched ‘Up’. Because my mood was lighter, I loved the visuals. We even replayed the end credits to catch what we’d missed for years on a 50 inch set.
The new television had transformed into an awesome cinematic experience.
Same TV, just me all over the place. That’s my Bipolar 2, though most days aren’t so extreme. Usually I don’t envision kicking in a $1500 appliance.
I cried about your steering wheel experience. It reminded me of being young.
Please look after yourself to ensure there’s no repeat of the conditions that lead to it. Whatever those before factors were, they’re your lights, sugar, coffee, alcohol, drugs…fill in the blanks. It’s impossible to stop mood swings, but if you limit the triggers, the heights and downers are less spectacular and more manageable.
An old girl, I’m okay. I’ve been manic for some of the best times of my life and wouldn’t change it. I do wish I could shut my mouth more often, so I don’t say things I will regret. Carving out chaos with words is my speciality in life. Even so, my worst times will last 3 days tops.
I mark my depression on a calendar, sticky notes, phone reminders, anything. If I’m low on a Monday, I know I’ll be okay on Thursday. It keeps me going, sometimes I have to count the hours.
The best and worst of either end of the Bipolar spectrum never lasts long.
Accepting Bipolar 2 in my life means enjoying the wealth of creativity it offers.
After so much time up, down and in-between, I like myself.
